The holiday season is often associated with joy, connection, and togetherness. However, for those coping with family estrangement during the holidays, this time of year can bring a mix of emotions, including sadness, guilt, anger, and even relief. Family estrangement—the voluntary or involuntary distancing between family members—can stem from unresolved conflicts, differing values, or harmful behaviors. Coping with family estrangement during the holidays requires intentional emotional preparation, boundary-setting, and self-compassion.
Estrangement is more common than many realize. Research suggests that up to 27% of adults experience some degree of estrangement from family members. While the reasons vary, common triggers include unresolved family conflicts, abuse or neglect, differences in beliefs, or simply growing apart over time. Importantly, estrangement does not necessarily mean hostility—it can also signify a boundary set to preserve emotional well-being.
Acknowledging and validating the complexity of your feelings about estrangement is an essential first step. Feelings of grief, guilt, or longing may coexist with relief and empowerment, particularly if the estrangement protects you from harmful dynamics.
The holiday season can amplify feelings of loss and isolation due to cultural and social expectations of familial unity. Here are strategies to navigate this time with care:
Coping with estrangement during the holidays can be isolating, so reaching out for support is essential. Trusted friends, online communities, or support groups can provide a space to share experiences and find solidarity. Therapy can also offer guidance in processing emotions, navigating boundaries, and cultivating resilience.
Family estrangement is a deeply personal and often painful experience, particularly during the holidays. While it can be challenging to confront these emotions, the season can also be an opportunity to redefine your traditions, nurture your emotional health, and embrace relationships that bring you comfort and joy. By prioritizing your well-being, you can navigate the holidays with grace and compassion, honoring the path you’ve chosen for yourself.
Please join me for a webinar in the New Year to further discuss post holiday effect, strategies for coping with estrangement and more on Monday January 13th, 2025 at 12pm.
Please sign up and a link will be sent. Email Shaneen@embodiedresilience.ca
Thanksgiving can feel like a time of warmth and togetherness, yet it also brings up complicated feelings for many—especially for those connected to Indigenous communities. As a Métis individual, I understand this emotional duality. On one hand, there’s the joy of gathering with loved ones and sharing gratitude. On the other, there’s the painful reminder of colonization and the erasure of Indigenous culture. It’s natural to feel conflicted, and this article explores how to navigate these emotions while honoring the history behind Thanksgiving.
The traditional Thanksgiving narrative often tells a story of unity between settlers and Indigenous peoples. However, this version overlooks the truth of colonization—land theft, cultural erasure, and the impact of residential schools on Indigenous communities. These historical injustices still resonate today, contributing to ongoing disparities and trauma. Acknowledging this history is essential in understanding why Thanksgiving feels heavy for many, and it’s a first step toward honoring both the truth and your own experience.
It’s normal to feel conflicted about Thanksgiving, especially when you hold both the warmth of family traditions and the reality of its impact on Indigenous communities. For those with Indigenous heritage or connections, the weight of historical trauma may feel deeply personal. For allies, there’s often a pull between wanting to celebrate and feeling discomfort with the holiday’s legacy. Embracing this discomfort shows growth and empathy, signaling an awareness of the complexities involved.
Sitting with these emotions involves mindfulness and self-compassion. It’s natural to want to avoid discomfort, but practicing acceptance can help. Acknowledging that your feelings are valid—whether they manifest as guilt, sadness, or frustration—allows for deeper exploration. Mindfulness techniques, such as observing your emotions without judgment, can keep you grounded.
Reflecting on your values is another key step. What does this holiday mean to you? Is it about gratitude, connection, or something else? How can you honor these values while respecting the truth of Indigenous communities? This might involve creating new traditions, such as incorporating land acknowledgments, engaging in education, or supporting Indigenous-led initiatives.
Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can reframe the holiday in a way that feels authentic to you. This might include opting for quiet reflection, organizing a day of service, or choosing to support Indigenous communities by buying from Indigenous-owned businesses. Setting boundaries with family members who may not share your perspective is also essential for your well-being. You have the right to honor this holiday in a way that aligns with your values, even if it looks different from traditional celebrations.
Thanksgiving is just one day, but understanding its history and impact is a continuous process. Ongoing education, support for Indigenous-led initiatives, and advocacy for policy changes can extend the work beyond this holiday. Reflecting on your journey and amplifying Indigenous voices are ways to ensure your efforts are meaningful and not performative. This process may bring discomfort, but it is a sign of growth and progress.
By integrating truth and reconciliation into your approach, you transform Thanksgiving from a conflicted experience into a catalyst for change. It’s about progress, not perfection—taking steps, educating yourself, and supporting Indigenous communities in a way that honors both history and the potential for a more inclusive future.
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Adoption is often seen as a journey filled with love, hope, and new beginnings. However, it's essential to recognize that this journey also brings complex emotions and experiences for many. Adoption trauma is a reality faced by many adoptees, and it's important to shed light on this often-overlooked aspect of adoption.
Adoption trauma refers to the emotional and psychological impact of being separated from one’s birth parents and biological family. This trauma doesn't necessarily stem from the adoptive family but arises from the loss experienced at a very young age, often at birth. The disruption of the primal bond between a child and their birth mother can have lasting effects, influencing identity, attachment, and mental health.
On August 30th, I will be celebrating over 40 years as part of my adoptive family. While this milestone is significant, it comes with mixed emotions. Like any family, the narrative is complex, but that’s not the focus here. Adoption trauma, in my case, centers on the deep-rooted pain that emerged from being separated from my birth mother and biological family. All connections and ties were severed at a young age.
Some might wonder how such trauma can be felt at birth or in early childhood. As Gabor Maté explains, “Trauma is not what happens to you. It’s what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.” This internal experience can manifest in profound ways, even if the trauma itself isn't immediately visible.
When I arrived in Canada in the 1970s, I was a lighter-skinned brown girl in a school where no one else looked like me. Watching Sesame Street, I felt a sense of recognition when I saw Buffy Sainte-Marie. I was obsessed with Jodie from Today’s Special and had a poster of Michael Jackson on my wall. Constantly searching for anyone who vaguely resembled me, I found that representation was absent from my everyday life. This lack of visibility deepened my feelings of isolation and intensified my desperate need to belong.
For BIPOC adoptees, adoption trauma can be further compounded by growing up in environments where they may not see themselves reflected. This lack of representation can lead to feelings of isolation and a deep sense of not belonging.
Adoption trauma can manifest in various ways throughout life. Many adoptees struggle with setting boundaries, people-pleasing, and developing a strong sense of self. The ongoing struggle for identity and belonging can lead to detachment from one’s body, trust issues, and even addiction or poor mental health, often due to the absence of awareness about family history.
Therapy offers a supportive space to explore these deep-rooted issues, providing tools to rebuild a sense of self and address the unique challenges of adoption trauma. For adoptees grappling with these challenges, healing is possible. Therapy can guide you through the complexities of adoption trauma, helping you reclaim your identity and move forward with confidence.
If you or someone you know is struggling with the effects of adoption trauma, you don't have to face it alone. At Embodied Resilience, we specialize in supporting adoptees through their healing process. Contact Shaneen today to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward reclaiming your identity and finding peace.
Growing up, my family knew we had Indigenous ancestry, but it wasn't really talked about. We had snippets of stories, but no concrete connection to a specific community or cultural practice. This left me with a vague sense of connection to something else, yet no clear path to understand or explore it. This sense of ambiguity is a common aspect of Indigenous identity confusion.
When I went to university, my journey towards embracing my Indigenous identity took a significant turn. At a campus event, someone from the Indigenous Student Services (ISS) asked if I was Indigenous. Nervously, I said yes. To my surprise, they invited me to a welcome potluck, and that invitation became a gateway to a world I hadn’t really been aware of or knew how to connect with. Through that potluck, I found a job at the ISS as a peer supporter, and for the first time, I became immersed in Indigenous culture. The stories, traditions, and sense of community were like finding pieces of myself I didn’t know were missing.
As I got older, some of my family members began trying to discover more about our family history. However, it proved to be a difficult task. The records were sparse, and the information hard to confirm. This quest for our roots led to a mix of confusion and fear. What if we weren’t actually Indigenous? How could I prove my bona fides without a community to attach myself and family to? Then I realized that what I was feeling was Indigenous Identity Confusion.
These questions and the accompanying doubt often left me feeling like an imposter. Was my connection to the culture genuine, or was I just pretending? This internal conflict is something many people with Indigenous ancestry face, and it can be incredibly isolating.
To truly understand Indigenous identity confusion, we must start with history. The effects of colonization have left deep scars on Indigenous communities worldwide. Colonizers imposed their cultures, languages, and religions, systematically attempting to erase Indigenous identities. Policies such as residential schools, where children were taken from their families and forbidden to speak their languages or practice their traditions, consequently created generational gaps in cultural transmission. As a result, many Indigenous people today struggle to connect with their heritage. This struggle arises not out of a lack of desire but because the knowledge was forcibly taken from their ancestors.
In addition to historical factors, modern challenges contribute to identity confusion. Mixed heritage, for example, can create feelings of not fully belonging to any one community. Urbanization has led many Indigenous families away from their traditional lands and communities, leading to a physical and emotional disconnect from their roots. The absence of a community to affirm and support one's identity can make it difficult to navigate what it means to be Indigenous in a contemporary context.
The psychological impact of these factors can be profound. Feelings of alienation are common, as individuals may feel they do not fit into either the mainstream culture or their Indigenous heritage. This often leads to imposter syndrome, where people doubt their legitimacy or fear exposing themselves as frauds. Cultural disconnection exacerbates these feelings, creating a vicious cycle where the fear of not being “Indigenous enough” prevents individuals from engaging with their heritage more deeply.
Indigenous identity is deeply tied to community. Without a clear connection to a community, many people feel adrift, questioning their place and their right to claim an Indigenous identity. The community offers validation, shared experiences, and a sense of belonging that is crucial for personal and cultural identity development. For those who lack this connection, the journey to understanding and embracing their Indigenous identity can be especially challenging.
As mentioned in the introduction, my journey toward embracing my Indigenous identity took significant turns during my university years and through the support of the Indigenous Student Services. I have faced many emotional challenges on this journey, including the pervasive fear of being labeled a "Pretendian" and the struggle to balance authenticity with self-doubt.
As I became more involved with the ISS and the broader Indigenous community, the fear of being labeled a "Pretendian" – someone falsely claiming Indigenous identity – began to surface. This fear wasn’t just about external judgment; it was deeply internalized. I constantly questioned myself: Was I genuinely connected to my heritage, or was I appropriating a culture I didn’t fully belong to?
These doubts were exacerbated by my family's struggles to uncover our history. Researching our ancestry was fraught with difficulties, with sparse records and conflicting information. The more we dug, the more elusive the truth seemed. This led to periods of intense anxiety and self-doubt. How could I prove my Indigenous identity without concrete evidence or a community to vouch for me? The fear of not being “Indigenous enough” became a persistent shadow over my journey. I remember asking my aunt if she had “proof” of our Indigenous ancestry, and she said that she did. But not having my Status card still makes it hard for me. And I have “stereotypical” Indigenous features. My daughter doesn’t. It makes me fearful about how people will receive her when she’s older and celebrating her Indigenous ancestry.
Navigating this balance between authenticity and self-doubt was, and continues to be, a delicate process. I realized that my connection to my heritage was not just about tangible proof or community acceptance but also about my personal journey and the meaning I found in it. Embracing my Indigenous identity meant acknowledging the gaps and uncertainties while still valuing the parts of my heritage that I could connect with.
One of the most crucial steps in my journey was seeking support from others who understood my struggles. Mentors, peers, and even professional therapists played a significant role in helping me navigate my identity confusion. They provided perspectives and shared their own experiences, which helped me feel less isolated and more understood.
Building a community, even if it wasn’t a direct link to my specific heritage, was vital. The relationships I formed through the ISS and other Indigenous networks provided a sense of belonging and validation. These connections reminded me that identity is complex and multifaceted, and that there is no single way to be Indigenous.
Reflecting on my journey, I understand that Indigenous identity confusion is a deeply personal and ongoing process. It involves reconciling historical erasure, modern disconnection, and personal doubt. But it also offers opportunities for growth, understanding, and a deeper connection to one’s heritage.
Pretendianism refers to the act of falsely claiming Indigenous identity for personal gain, whether it be for social, financial, or cultural benefits. This phenomenon is particularly harmful as it exploits the genuine struggles and cultural significance of Indigenous identities. The rise of Pretendianism has led to increased scrutiny and skepticism within Indigenous communities and beyond, further complicating the already complex landscape of Indigenous identity.
The existence of Pretendianism creates an environment of mistrust and doubt. For individuals who are genuinely exploring and connecting with their Indigenous heritage, this can lead to heightened anxiety and self-doubt. The fear of being labeled a Pretendian can discourage people from fully embracing their identity and participating in cultural practices. This fear often stems from the idea that without concrete evidence or community ties, one’s Indigenous identity may be viewed as inauthentic or opportunistic.
In my own journey, the fear of being seen as a Pretendian was a constant companion. Every step I took to connect with my heritage was shadowed by the anxiety that I might be perceived as a fraud. Attending cultural events, participating in community gatherings, and even speaking about my Indigenous identity often felt like walking a tightrope. This fear was not just about external judgment but also about internalized doubts. Was I truly entitled to claim this identity? What does it mean to be Indigenous? How far back into your ancestry can you go and still claim Indigenous ancestry?
These questions still sometimes lead to feelings of paralysis, where I hesitate to engage more deeply with my culture. However, through conversations with mentors and peers who shared similar fears, I learned that my journey and struggles were part of a broader experience faced by many with fragmented or rediscovered Indigenous identities. Recognizing this shared experience helped me to feel less isolated and more validated in my journey.
Delve into your family history as much as possible. While records might be sparse, every piece of information can help build a clearer picture of your heritage.
Learn about the broader history and contemporary issues faced by Indigenous communities. This contextual understanding can provide a sense of connection and belonging.
Seek support from like-minded and supportive individuals, or speak with a therapist who understands your fears and concerns and can help you work through them. Accept that identity is complex and multifaceted. Your journey is unique and valid, even if it doesn’t fit into a clear-cut narrative. Embracing your heritage is a continuous process of growth and discovery.
Recognize that the fear of being labeled a Pretendian is a significant hurdle, but it doesn’t define your journey. Acknowledging this fear can reduce its power over you. Embracing authenticity and connection is crucial, but it’s equally important to focus on the positive aspects of your journey. Embracing your heritage, despite the challenges, is a powerful act of reclaiming your identity and honoring your ancestors. Each step you take towards understanding and connecting with your Indigenous roots is a testament to your resilience and commitment.
Embracing your Indigenous identity involves recognizing and celebrating the richness of your heritage. This celebration can take many forms, from participating in cultural traditions to sharing your story with others.
Connecting with cultural traditions is a powerful way to feel grounded in your heritage. Engaging in practices like drumming, dancing, crafting, or storytelling can make you feel connected to your roots and give you a deeper appreciation of your culture. Attending cultural festivals, powwows, and community events is another fantastic way to immerse yourself in the vibrant life of Indigenous communities. These gatherings are full of opportunities to learn, experience, and meet others who share your background.
Sharing your journey and experiences with others can be incredibly empowering. Whether you choose to write, speak, or create art, expressing your identity helps to affirm it. Social media platforms and online communities are great spaces to connect with others and share your story. Your experiences can inspire and support others who are navigating similar journeys.
Giving back to Indigenous communities is a meaningful way to strengthen your connection and support the preservation and promotion of Indigenous cultures. Volunteering with Indigenous organizations, participating in community service, and advocating for Indigenous rights are all impactful ways to contribute. Your time and effort can make a significant difference, and advocating for Indigenous rights and issues is a powerful way to use your voice for positive change.
Your journey of embracing your Indigenous identity is ongoing. Being open to growth and new experiences allows you to continue deepening your connection to your heritage. Continuously seek out new knowledge about your culture and history. Reading books, attending workshops, and engaging with Indigenous media are great ways to keep learning and growing.
Recognize that your identity will evolve over time. Be open to changing perspectives and new understandings as you grow and experience more. Allow yourself the flexibility to explore different aspects of your heritage. Your identity is multifaceted and can encompass a wide range of experiences and connections.
As you navigate your journey of embracing your Indigenous identity, remember that you are not alone. Many others share similar experiences and struggles, and there is a vast community of support and understanding available to you.
Reach out to others who understand and share your journey. Building connections with people who have similar experiences can provide comfort and solidarity. Remember that your feelings and struggles are valid. Your identity is uniquely yours, and it is an essential part of who you are.
Embrace the complexity and uniqueness of your Indigenous identity. Whether you have concrete proof of your heritage or are still discovering it, your journey is valid and valuable. Celebrate your heritage with pride. Your connection to your ancestors and culture is a source of strength and resilience.
Keep moving forward with confidence and clarity. Each step you take towards understanding and embracing your Indigenous identity is a powerful act of self-discovery and cultural reclamation. Stay committed to your journey, knowing that it will evolve and deepen over time.
By integrating these coping strategies, you can navigate Indigenous identity confusion with greater confidence and clarity. Your heritage is a vital part of who you are, and your journey towards understanding and embracing it is a testament to your strength and resilience. Together, we can celebrate and honor our identities, creating a richer and more connected community for future generations.
Navigating Indigenous identity confusion is a deeply personal and often challenging journey. The historical, cultural, and personal factors that contribute to this confusion can make it a daunting task. However, by understanding these complexities and adopting practical coping strategies, you can begin to embrace your unique heritage with confidence and clarity.
Throughout this article, we have explored the roots of Indigenous identity confusion, the impact of Pretendianism, and shared strategies to help you connect with your heritage, seek support, and practice self-compassion. Remember, your journey is valid and valuable, even if it doesn’t fit a specific mold. Each step you take towards understanding and embracing your Indigenous identity is a powerful act of self-discovery and cultural reclamation.
You are not alone in this journey. Many others share similar experiences and struggles, and there is a vast community of support and understanding available to you. Your identity is valid, and your connection to your ancestors and culture is a source of strength and resilience.
As you move forward, continue to celebrate your heritage with pride and confidence. Stay committed to your journey, knowing that it will evolve and deepen over time. Together, we can create a richer and more connected community for future generations, honoring our identities and the strength of our shared experiences.
In embracing your Indigenous identity, you are not only reclaiming your heritage but also contributing to the resilience and continuity of Indigenous cultures. Your journey is a testament to the strength and beauty of our diverse and vibrant communities
If you would like to learn more about your own journey of cultural understanding, book with Robert or Shaneen today.
Hello, I’m Robert Simms. For the past 13 years, I’ve shared my life with my spouse, embracing each opportunity for growth and self-discovery. One of the most meaningful parts of this journey has been exploring and celebrating my identity as a non-Status Métis. My connection to this identity deepened while pursuing my Bachelor of Social Work and continued as I engaged with Indigenous communities across Turtle Island.
Another pivotal chapter in my life began with my daughter’s ADHD diagnosis. It was a moment that reshaped everything I thought I knew—not just about her but also about myself. My own ADHD assessment and diagnosis soon followed, bringing with it a wave of insight and clarity. At first, I thought ADHD explained everything about my struggles, but as I delved deeper into neurodivergence—particularly Autism—I realized that ADHD accounted for only about 70-80% of my experiences. The missing pieces began falling into place, leading me to recognize that I was most likely AuDHD (both ADHD and Autistic). I took multiple Autism assessments, all of which indicated a strong likelihood of Autism.
Even though I firmly believe that self-diagnosis is valid, I still wrestled with my own imposter syndrome. Could I truly claim this identity? It took time, research, and a lot of self-reflection, but I’ve now reached a place where I feel confident in embracing the AuDHD label. Understanding my neurodivergence has been a journey of unlearning, adapting, and ultimately striving for authenticity—not just for myself, but for those I support.
My personal experiences, combined with my professional background, have given me a deep understanding of what it means to be diagnosed with ADHD—or AuDHD—later in life. I know firsthand the confusion, the overwhelm, and the frustration that can come with trying to make sense of your past through this new lens. I’ve struggled with managing everyday tasks, battled feelings of inadequacy, and had to confront years of internalized ableism.
These experiences are not just things I’ve lived through; they are the foundation of my work. My practice is centered on helping people who, like me, have felt out of sync with the world around them. I don’t just offer strategies to manage ADHD or Autism—I offer a space where you can explore what neurodivergence means to you, on your terms, and without judgment. My goal is to help you see your neurodivergence not as a limitation, but as an integral and valuable part of who you are.
Like many neurodivergent individuals, I reached a point where conventional work environments no longer fit my needs. Instead of forcing myself to conform, I built something different—a practice that reflects both my lived experience and my professional expertise. It’s a space where I can empower others to redefine success on their own terms and build lives that work for them.
I know what it’s like to receive a diagnosis in adulthood and think, This explains everything!—only to later realize it doesn’t explain everything. I know the frustration of trying to navigate daily life while battling internal doubts. I also know the relief that comes with finally understanding yourself and embracing your identity.
My journey through these same struggles, paired with my professional expertise, allows me to guide you with both empathy and real-world strategies. Together, we can explore what works best for you—helping you not just manage symptoms, but truly embrace your neurodivergence as part of who you are.
